I GET IT, I, like any girl with a smartphone LOVE attention. So that brings me to Selfies. Selfies help feed egos of the young and shameless, myself included. Sure I feel a tad bit embarrassed when I instagram a picture I obviously took in my front seat but I do try to play it cool when it comes to my strategically planned selfies. Spacing them out is KEY. Even though deep down my level of self esteem is directly correlated to how many likes my latest instagram pic gets so waiting too long gives me hives. I’ve started to become more and more okay with selfies, by that I mean I’m not so judgy when I see some broad’s face three times in one day. And I can appreciate the confidence it takes to share a #nomakeup picture. I just want to lay down some selfie guidelines… with the help of some housewives.
1. ONE PER DAY(or week, preferably)
I know I know, sometimes you snap a few good pics in one day, SPACE IT OUT GURL. Save it for another day. No one is going to say “Oh man this is a good picture I wish she’d post the exact same picture but with a different facial expression” absolutely No one. maybe some creep guy but that’s the attention no one wants.
2. Keep your boobs out of it.
Seriously, no one wants to see your boobs. LOLJK. Keep your boobs front and center, I’d do it if I could. No one wants to see my sternum(jokes on jokes on jokes). I do have one request, don’t squish em. When I see girls like me pushing them together so hard with their arms that their elbows are almost touching, I get sad. Don’t do that. Looks desperate.
3. ….Duck Lips.
Ah, the infamous duck lips. The duck lips can be done correctly, but is often not. It can make your lips fuller, cheeks skinnier(nose smaller) and your face stupid(er?). I have no clue what doing duck lips selfie has to do with being at a car wash or being at work. I’ve done a few duck lips in my day and hate myself for it, so lets try to transform our duck lips into a cute pout and quit making ourselves look like a whacked out Daffy Duck.
4. GYM SELFIES.
Let’s cement the feet of our gym selfies and throw them in the bottom of the ocean covered in chum. I want gym selfies to go away forever. I don’t give two shits about “LeG dAy”. I really applaud all of you bad bitches who put the work in and even inspire others to work out but to you attention seekers who pose in front of that gym mirror in your nike spandex that are in it for the creep likes… STAHP. You suck.
5. GUY SELFIES.
FAACKKK, I’m just now coming around to accepting guy selfies. I still feel like it isn’t okay. But I have realized there’s a difference in a guy doing it ironically or just to be dapper and a douchebag. It’s no secret I hate a white sunglass wearing douchebag. NO GUY SHOULD EVER HAVE MORE FRONT SEAT SELIES THAN A FEMALE. Speaking for most females, It’s not attractive when a dude takes a mirror pic…unless we ask for one..which we probably won’t. Unless your Harry Styles or Chris(OR LIAM) Hemsworth leave the selfies to us attention hungry females. It’s our thing, go get your own.
6. GUY SHIRTLESS GYM SELFIES
The worst. I hate them. I can’t. JUST DON’T WEIRDO. To quote someone hilarious and beautiful “Unless your Harry Styles or Chris(OR LIAM) Hemsworth leave the selfies to us attention hungry females.”
7. Finally, Mirror Pics.
I, in no way am saying not to take a selfie, as soon as I wash, brush, and curl my hair…put on make up…find the right setting and lighting…will probably take one and add a joke to make it not so obvious that I want to break my “likes” record(oh ya) and post it on instagram, Facebook, twitter, keek(whatever the fuck that is), vine, and christian mingle. I’m just saying take it easy. I love seeing some of my (instagram)friends beautiful selfies every day, I really do. I don’t follow any uggos(just kidding everyone is beautiful). I just don’t want to see an intense duck face or a gym selfie. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?
DISCLAIMER: I do enjoy a guy selfie every now and then. Depends. I have do exceptions on most of the guidelines, SORRY.